Knowledge

Sometimes I go hours without thinking about you. And at times, I would swear I'd gone an entire day without considering the fact that you are gone. I'm not sure how true that statement is...my sense of time is so skewed since losing you. Days can seem like hours and hours like days, and there is no telling why that is, but it is, nonetheless.
You know, sweet angel, I feel like I dove pretty deep into grieving for you this summer. But I am beginning to understand that I was comparing my pain and loss to pain and loss I've experienced earlier in my life. And those things...my other losses---well, the degree of loss is just not the same as this. And that is where I misjudged my progress. You see, I thought I had plumbed such immense depths...had ventured so far. But I haven't.
If I was walking down the street one day and someone shot a hole through me (let's just say through my abdomen), I would be able to measure the size of that hole. Doctors and forensic experts could tell me (in terms I wouldn't understand, most likely) the size of the hole--how it related to the size of the weapon and distance from which it was shot...how it was entirely dependent (in terms of size) upon multiple factors such as bullet caliber and body mass---angles and velocity and density and trajectory and other things that I obstinately ignored in science and math classes. And I would nod my head (and understand as much as I could), and I would go about the task of making sure that hole healed up properly.
But I'm not walking around with a bullet-sized hole in me. I am walking around with a you-sized hole in me. And I don't know any forensic expert or doctor or scientist who can measure the size of that hole...or really tell me how to make sure it heals properly. Because, truthfully, although part of living means enduring loss, the loss of you is something which defies analysis.
It is an injury which rejects attempts to fix or heal. It scoffs at description.
I could never measure your life. Your gravestone will show one date: May 2, 2009. That is the day you died. But that doesn't address the size of your life. I can't actually measure your life, because it entails more than the 280-something days you grew inside me. I lost your future...the infancy, the childhood, the adolescence, the youth, the growing independence, the maturing, and all of the stages that would've come after that...
And I lost my dreams for you.
Ironically, although I've lost my dreams for you, the Lord is giving you an eternity that is beyond my wildest dreams. And I am thankful that you rest happily in the arms of Jesus.
But, my sweet darling boy, I wanted to know you so badly. I wanted to hear your voice. I wanted to learn your smell . I wanted to memorize your face. I wanted to behold your sweet spirit. I wanted a million things that I'll never be able to articulate. Even my 'wants' refuse measurement.
And I'm so sorry I didn't give you the attention you deserved while you were with me. I know I'll always feel badly about that. I enjoyed you...loved you...longed for you, but I got caught up in the chaos and stresses and tensions of life, and I didn't truly appreciate the time we had together. Or maybe that's not true. Maybe that's the way I feel now...maybe that's the way this works. I don't really know.
I just want you to know that I wanted you. And I still want you. I look at my senior boys sometimes and think about the 18 year-old you'll never be. I think about the hearts you won't break. I think about the sports you won't play. I think about the friends you won't make. I think about the hugs you won't give me. I think about the future you won't plan. And after I think about all of these things you won't ever do, I realize that you're just fine without those things. But I know the world will ache with the loss of you, just as I do. It may be a quiet ache...it may be an ache that goes undetected by most. But I will know.

6 months...

i carry your heart with me by e.e. cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Sunday, and you've been gone so long...

Child of my heart. Flesh of my flesh. It has been so long since I felt you. If only other people had felt you...had felt your strong kicks--your stretches and wiggles and flip-flops and hiccups. You were so full of life and I miss it every day. I've heard of phantom kicks...after a loss like this, some moms have times when they think they feel kicks or movement. I've never had that. You were so big and strong and busy...there is no mistaking---not even for a second--that you are gone. I saw a young mother holding her little boy at church last week. This baby is a little older than you would be right now. And he was clinging to his mommy with complete devotion....nestling close to her chest and holding her as tightly as he could. And I was so envious of that...because I know you were so strong--you would've been holding me that tightly. Maybe tighter. And I would feel so loved by you, little Will. So needed. And it feels selfish to admit that--that I am sad because I didn't get to feel loved and needed by you in that way.
Maybe I feel that way because I feel so pointless without you here sometimes. I have all of the instincts of a mom with a new baby...I want to be overwhelmed by the business of you--that's my job. But I'm so pitifully idle. No gear to tote. No schedule to follow and fret over. No baby messes to clean. No nursery to tidy. No diapers to take out. No cries to soothe. No you to coo over and discover and delight in.
And it's five minutes since you left me. And it's a million years, too.
I have to remind myself that you avoided the pain and difficulty of earthly life. That you live in perfect joy and happiness and that is all you'll ever know....
But I hope you remember that you lived in me for 9 special months. I hope you can understand that--because you are so very very special to me, my love. King David was so right...I will go to you, but you will not return to me. Some days I love that verse. And some days I hate it (the human part of me hates it quite often). Child of my heart. Flesh of my flesh. Please remember me.

I know He love me, but I still wonder why...

Oh, this cup.
This cup I have before me contains my boundless sorrow for my little lamb.
And you would think that would be plenty. I would think that would be enough to have to swallow...to have to drain.
But this cup of pain...this cup of bitter blazing hurt has been sitting before me for a few years now. And I know He loves me...but I still wonder why...
Why so many years, Lord? Can't You let me see what You're going to do with all of this...so that I don't have to trust quite so blindly? I will have faith in You regardless...I have to---there isn't any other way for me. I cannot get out of bed in the morning without You. I can't face work every day without You to fortify my nerves. I am wholly and utterly dependent on You. And I know, deep down in my soul, that You only give me things that are good for me. So this awful cup is going to be good for me, somehow. And I am too human...too blind to truly grasp that.
And though I know You have a plan...my petition is this: Father, please intervene. I know You can. Reach into our lives and heal this. I need You so badly, and I am begging You to take control and bring order to this chaos. We cannot fix this.

Psalm 130
Out of the depths
I have cried to You, O LORD.
Lord, hear my voice!
Let Your ears be attentive
To the voice of my supplications.
If You, LORD, should mark iniquities,
O Lord, who could stand?
But there is forgiveness with You,
That You may be feared.
I wait for the LORD, my soul does wait,
And in His word do I hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
More than the watchmen for the morning;
Indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning.
O Israel, hope in the LORD;
For with the LORD there is lovingkindness,
And with Him is abundant redemption.
And He will redeem Israel
From all his iniquities.

If it be Your will....

Thanks for reminding me of this song, J. I love you.

If It Be Your Will by Leonard Cohen

If it be Your will
That I speak no more
And my voice be still
As it was before

I will speak no more
I shall abide until
I am spoken for
If it be Your will

If it be Your will
That a voice be true
From this broken hill
I will sing to You

From this broken hill
All Your praises they shall ring
If it be Your will
To let me sing

From this broken hill
All Your praises they shall ring
If it be Your will
To let me sing
If it be Your will

If there is a choice
Let the rivers fill
Let the hills rejoice
Let Your mercy spill
On all these burning hearts in hell

If it be Your will
To make us well
And draw us near
And bind us tight
All Your children here
In their rags of light

In our rags of light
All dressed to kill
And end this night
If it be Your will
If it be Your will.

Cataloguing my loss...

I just got back from a wonderful trip to Disney with my sweetie pies: Nan and Shan.
And though this trip was a happy and fulfilling one, IT couldn't be avoided. By IT, I mean the running catalogue. This catalogue is an ever-growing list of things I will never do. Things I will never enjoy. Things which will never come to pass. This is because my running catalogue is centered around Will. He would be nearly 3 months old now. I would be thinking about his routine. I would be fascinated by his emerging little personality. I would be thinking about getting him ready to go to Miss Debbie's next week (dreading it, most likely) as I prepared to go back to work. And I would be caught up in him, just like I am right now. Although my mind is constantly peppered with these thoughts...these missed moments...these withered hopes, I know I will never get them. I will never know what color his eyes were....I would be guessing about that right now if he were here. I will never hear his voice...never hear him coo or cry or laugh. I will never spoon cereal into his little mouth or stare aghast at any of his particularly heinous diapers. I will never wear his spit-up as an accessory to a nice outfit or learn to decipher the meanings of his various different 'cries.' I will never feel pangs of guilt after leaving him with Mema or Nana for a night out with Shan.

I thought at first that embracing these thoughts would help me move through the grief process. I'd let each moment wash over me and that would be it. I could grieve that lost possibility and be done with it. And listen up, folks, because I don't say this often. As I've learned in the last few months (over and over and over again) I was WRONG. Yes. Susan Boone just admitted that she was wrong. Write it down. My inability to admit my fallability is an innate character flaw...but you love me anyway, right?

Letting each thought wash over me has lead to this....I hoard them. I hoard non-memories of my son. There: I've said it. I cradle them to me like a safety blanket. I would bathe in them if I could. Those of you who know me well know that I have a vivid imagination. And there are times when my imagination is a great gift...it has been a blessing to me in so many ways. But right now it is aiding me in my (now compulsive) pasttime of cataloguing my lost life. I can almost feel these non-existent moments. And there is a seemingly endless train of them...one leads to another which leads to another, and on and on and on.

And I would be feeling guilty about this compulsion, really I would, if it were not for this: I think this particular compulsion is okay. That is the only conclusion I can reach. On earth or in heaven, he is my son. If he were here, he would be literally filling my days (and probably nights). He would be in my thoughts at virtually every moment of each day. And death came and took him away from me before I could enjoy all of these moments with him. But does that mean that I have to let go of 'what could've been' completely? I don't think so.

Because I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm living my love for my son (in an internal sort of way). My moments of reverie are simply manifestations of my heart. I still love him all of the time. I still want him all of the time. I still miss him all of the time. I still feel that motherly vigilance "thing" (that mothers have) for him all of the time. And allowing myself to feed on that love is branching out to other areas of my life. He is making me a better person. He has brought me closer to God...I need my Creator (in ways I never fathomed) right now, and Will is responsible for that. I burrow deep down into my faith when I hurt. I ask God to be with me in this season...in all areas of my life. I am aware, after 3 months of this, that the only kind of consolation I am going to get will come from Christ. This consolation is not like a consolation prize (think: parting gift...like in The Price is Right). I mean it in the actual literal sense....the only One who can CONSOLE me is Christ. Others offer words of encouragement or help, but the only thing that even comes close to a sensation of healing and peace comes straight from God.

"Unless the LORD had given me help,

I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.

When I said, "My foot is slipping,"

your love, O LORD, supported me.

When anxiety was great within me,

your consolation brought joy to my soul."

Psalms 94:17-19

Which brings me back to my little man: I am a better Mom because of Will. I am enjoying Nancy Ann so much right now, and I know that the intense nature of my joy is due (in no small part) to little Will. I am going to be a better teacher because of Will...my pain in losing him is going to make me more compassionate and patient with my students--I don't know this from experience...I write it more as an invocation--a declaration of intent. The strength that I have gained through losing him is going to make me a better wife, a better friend, a better daughter, sister, niece, aunt, co-worker, etc. I am blessed by the loss of him...in different ways than I would've been by virtue of simply living with him every day as his Mommy. But whatever follows this moment in my life will be touched by him...just as it would have been if he were here in my arms right now.

Pictures of Will

Til Kingdom Come (Will's Song)

Still my heart and hold my tongue

I feel my time My time has come

Let me inUnlock the door

I never felt this way before

And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummer begins to drum

I don’t know which way I’m going

I don’t know which way I’ve come

Hold my head inside your hands

I need someone who understands

I need someone, someone who hears

For you I’ve waited all these years

For you I’d wait 'til kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done

And say you'll come and set me free

Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

In your tears and in your blood

In your fire and in your flood

I hear you laugh, I heard you sing

I wouldn’t change a single thing

And the wheels just keep on turning

The drummers begin to drum

I don’t know which way I’m going

I don’t know what I’ve become

For you I’d wait 'til kingdom come

Until my days, my days are done

And say you'll come and set me free

Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

This was the song I selected to be played at Will's birth. I think it still works.

I just got these pictures of Will from the NILMDTS photographer today. I have more if you are interested in seeing them. The photog gave me the master disc, so (Brandi) you can have a copy if you like.

He was so beautiful. The pics were taken at about 10:30 am (he was born at 1:28 am), so he doesn't look quite the way he did when I held him and said goodbye to him. But he was beautiful, nonetheless.

And thank you to Elizabeth, who sat with Will during the photo session (that's her finger he has his hand wrapped around). She's an incredible aunt and sister. She arranged the whole NILMDTS session, and I am more grateful for that than I could ever find the words to express.

Love to you all.