Monday, January 21, 2013

What I've Lost

“And it was think how those years could have been put to better use, for he could hardly have put them to worse. There was no recovering them now. You could grieve endlessly for the loss of time and for the damage done therein. For the dead, and for your own lost self. But what the wisdom of the ages says is that we do well not to grieve on and on. And those old ones knew a thing or two and had some truth to tell...for you can grieve your heart out and in the end you are still where you were. All your grief hasn't changed a thing. What you have lost will not be returned to you. It will always be lost. You're left with only your scars to mark the void. All you can choose to do is to go on or not. But if you go on, it's knowing you carry your scars with you.”

― Charles Frazier, Cold Mountain   What a struggle it is, this push and pull of my heart:  move on, look back, move on, look back...   I can't go back and change anything.  I know I can't. Why would I? I'm not blind. I'm not a fool. I am so blessed.  I can see my blessings; they are assembled right here--before my very eyes.  I feel terrible even mentioning this sensation...this unsettling throb of regret.  But still it's here, pulsing deep inside of me.  I miss him.  And I miss him.  And I can keep on going with this grief, but I'm still where I am.  And he's still where he is.     What I have lost will never be returned to me.  It will always be lost.  Even so..I have more than scars left to mark the void. I have smiles.  I have giggles.  I have hugs and kisses. I have "Good morning" and "Sleep tight."  I have so much.    But part of me will always find a way to retreat--in the intervals, in the moments of silence and slowness--into the sweet promise of the past, where what is now lost can be mine again.  Where grief and regret were not lodged deep within my chest.  Where my smile had no shadow.  I will move on, but I will find time to remember the things that once belonged to me.   And my travelling heart will navigate that same tug of war: move on, look back, move on, look back.