From: Stay or Leave by Dave Matthews
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did

So what to do
With the rest of the day's afternoon hey
Isn't it strange how we change
Everything we did
Did I do all that I should
That I coulda done

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be
You and me
I want to be too

What day is this
Besides the day you left me
What day is this
Besides the day you went

So what to do
With the rest of the day's afternoon hey
Well isn't it strange how we change
Everything we did
Did I do all that I could

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
What day is this
Besides the day you went babe
What day is this

I used to listen to this song so much when I was pregnant with Will. I just loved it. I'm not sure why this particular song appealed to me so much at that time--it could've been due to my elevated hormonal state--who knows? I've never been a huge Dave fan, but I always did love a good sad song. And this song is more of a romantic song...I omitted the lyrics that are of a more amorous nature. But the lyrics I included above are so meaningful to me now. Because in some ways it still feels like the day I lost him. In a way, even though I know I've grown some and healed some and learned some, I feel completely frozen in that day. I can't get past the barrier: this wasn't supposed to happen. What do I do with myself now? How can you move forward when your brain and heart still reject what has happened to you?
Sometimes I can't believe that I'm walking around. I can't believe I make small-talk and send text messages and watch tv. I can't believe I function at all, to be honest. Because my heart does not feel functional. It's hobbled---laid low by a pain only my worst nightmares ever even hinted at. At least you can wake up from nightmares.
I still lose my breath for a moment when I pass the baby aisle at Kroger. Or when I walk by little boy clothes at Target. Or when I sit next to someone holding their infant. Or when I hear the name William. Or when I hear this song. And I find it hard to comprehend the existence of a time when those things won't make my breath catch in my throat.
And I can't imagine losing him...but I did.
And I can't imagine losing again. And I might.
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
I Peter 5:6-7